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Monday, June 7, 2010

The right way

I don't know if this applies to every situation, but in the situation I have just been involved with I do believe there was a right way and a wrong way to deal with it. I do not think I would feel like writing this post if I felt the situation was dealt with in the right way.

My roommate, Sarah, is moving out of our room.... as I am writing this. But she never told me that she was moving out. The person she is moving in with is my "friend" Laura. Laura has been living with my friend Reneé. Laura just told Reneé that she was moving out yesterday morning. And when Reneé asked "when?" Laura's response was, "tomorrow."

Maybe two or a little more weeks ago I saw my friend Ben in the hallway whose job is sort of to be the RA of the Abrams where we all live. He needed to replace light bulbs in our room and Sarah had put the work request in. When Ben saw me he asked something to the effect of, "Does Sarah still live in your room?" I didn't hear him perfectly and was so taken aback by the question that after a pause to absorb what I thought I had just heard I answered "yes, she is in the kitchen right now." Then I went to Ryan's room and told him what I thought I'd heard.

I wish now that I had just asked her right then if she was planning to move out. I did not though because I gave her the benefit of the doubt and figured that if she had something to tell me she would. After all, she comments all the time about how mature she is for being 20 years old. And I also wasn't 100% sure what Ben said, so maybe I just misheard and nothing was up at all.

Then.... last Sunday after work Ryan told me that it had been confirmed that Sarah did put in for a room change with Laura (this was the first I'd heard about Laura moving in with her). After Ryan said goodnight to me on Saturday he was headed to his room when someone we know said he should stop by their room to hangout with everyone in there. So he stopped and they were talking and then someone who was quite drunk (side note: people are drunk all the time here and I just wish they'd all get over it and realize they could have a lot more memorable fun if they didn't drink so much) said that Laura (who was in the room) requested to change rooms to live with Sarah. Then Laura immediately jumped all over Sam for giving away the secret because Ryan was in the room. So then Same explained it was nothing against me. So Sunday after work when Ryan told me was when this whole thing was confirmed and I was VERY upset by it. I am not upset that Sarah is moving out or that she is moving in with Laura. They are friends. Their lifestyles probably go hand-in-hand a lot better than Sarah's and mine do, I have no trouble seeing that. And I have never thought Sarah and I were anywhere near best friends. But I thought we were friends and I thought we were both mature adults. As and adult I would have expected her to tell me she was planning on moving out.

I didn't have it in me the night I found out about the situation to say anything to her and after work the next day Ryan and I headed to Munich to pick up my Mom. But when I got back I had every intention to addressing this with her and also letting her and Laura know that if they did not tell Reneé about this then I was going to.

On Saturday night when we got back from Prague Ryan came over to my room after being in his for a little while to report that Sarah and Laura would be moving in together on Monday. Sarah had been in Nuremburg for a huge concert event from Thursday and didn't get back until today, Monday. Laura was in Ryan's room asking his roommate for advice on how to tell Reneé she was moving out. And that is how Ryan found out they got a room and were moving out in two days.

If anyone is thinking, "so how did Sarah end up telling you that she was moving out?" I was thinking the same thing, "how will she end up telling me?" Well the answer is, she didn't! I ran home after work today to find the door open and Sarah and was in the midst of packing and moving with someone else. Without hardly looking up she said, "so we got our room." I can only assume by this point she had heard from other people that I knew about the move. So I told her, "you never told me you were moving." And her reasoning for that was that it would have made things awkward. Awkward for her maybe, but I know the person I am and I would have been like, "okay, thanks for the heads up." As the mature adult that I believe I have become I really think that telling me would have been the better way to handle the situation. Because by trying to make things less awkward my feelings were hurt and Reneé's feelings were hurt. It is like finding out that a rumor has been spread about you. Pretty much everyone we associate with at work and other people that don't even know us knew about this whole thing and were keeping it a secret. And I found out through other people and Reneé feelings like she was just the last to know out of everybody, which she was. So I told Sarah that I didn't think she handled it in the right manner and that neither Reneé or I appreciated finding out last and through other people knowing how many people knew about this. Then she made some comment about JUST finding out they got the room last Thursday and Renée and I were both on trips and gone. So I pointed out that it didn't matter when they found out they got a room because the request was put in a long long time ago. I didn't yell or curse or say anything rude, but I also didn't brush it off like it was no big deal and it didn't bother me. I feel like this is a situation that Sarah and Laura should learn from and know that it could have and should have been dealt with differently.

I am so sorry to anyone I may have hurt in my past by acting in a way similar to this. By withholding information to try and prevent something from being awkward FOR ME. When the right thing to do is to be upfront with someone to try and prevent their feelings from being hurt.

What do you all think? Was there a right and a wrong way to handle this situation? If I am totally off base please feel free to let me know. And thank you to anyone who actually decided to read this post. It is a very different kind of post for me, but I felt like writing this down and sharing it because you never know when you might need a reminder to look out for people's feelings.

On the bright side my Mom is here and we are having a great time! She has had a bed to sleep on the last couple nights with Sarah being gone and now she'll have a bed for the rest of her stay because Sarah is gone for good.

Now I just have a pray the next roommate I get, whenever that may be, will be someone I mesh with and isn't a crazy drunk who has boys stay the night... because let me tell you I won't have a problem sharing my opinion that that is not okay!

P.S. Michelle hurry up and get over here and you can have a bed to yourself and we can be roomies for a month!!!! :)


  1. Oh, I'm sorry about what happened. No fun, no fun. Who wouldn't want to room with someone as great as you? But I think it will be for the best, because she doesn't sound like the kind of person you want to be around long-term. I think you're right about them learning from it, also about them not being incredibly mature yet, and that they were probably trying to protect themselves from an awkward situation. You, however, and probably Renee', are mature enough to rise above and not let it get to you anymore.
    I miss you!! I was just telling my coworkers today how excited I am to see you. I will be over there right after you get back from Israel, probably coming in on whatever your next weekend is unless you want more time to recuperate than that. I will be going to Wales just before that and doing some hiking/biking, fly over to Munich and stay with you, or in the area, until Aug. 1. What do you think?

  2. I think that people try to avoid what they perceive to be awkward situations and by doing so make things more awkward. I am sorry that they did not let you and Renee know what was going on, but it sounds like you handled it well. I hope you and Ryan are having a great time with you mom!